Wa wa wa waaaaaaaa...

www.theslantedpenguin.blogspot.com

New Slang When You Notice the Stripes

When I speak with random people about Fatshion, most of them assume the crux of Fatshion has to do with vertical and horizontal stripes. While there can be some good foundational advice given with regard to vertical and horizontal stripes, it is really just the tip of the Fatshion iceberg. As such, let's talk about patterns and fabrics.

For starters, the specific types of fabrics you wear can make the difference between looking polished and looking like a Walmart cashier dressing up to go to court. Natural fabrics such as cotton will always breath and look better than their synthetic counterparts such as polyester and nylon, which can lead to less sweating and a higher end look. The most important thing to remember is to wear what works for you. Don't get caught up in how elegant particular fabrics are, because more elegant fabrics like cashmere and silk are absolute nightmares for moderately overweight people. It's important to purchase high quality clothing, but don't equate a high price with a better look for you.

For fat men, there are three types of patterns that should never be worn on a shirt--paisley, repeating theme shirts, or dots. Plaid shirts should only be worn with utmost discretion. I know it sounds incredibly elementary to say these things, but if you look around, you'll start to notice that it happens far more often than you think. As a general rule of thumb, if you can imagine a bedspread being made out of the same material, don't wear it.

Vertically striped shirts are great, but try to avoid incredibly busy stripes. As a general rule, don't purchase or wear striped shirts that have more than 3 colors, and tone on tone stripes can be great. For me personally, I prefer shirts with stripes that are relatively thin and are approximately one inch apart from one another. For medium and darker complected people, don't be afraid of jewel tones--taupes, tans and earth tones are more difficult to pull off, and they must be of a far better quality to actually look polished. For lighter complected people, more subdued versions of the brighter colors won't make you appear as pasty as their more vibrant counterparts.

I think this has probably been the most elementary post, but more people misunderstand this than you'd think. Patterns for pants, shirt/tie combos, and jackets will be tackled in another post.

Open Access Shirts: Capes With Armholes

It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to say that for the past century, the biggest fashion dilemma overweight men have faced is the struggle to downplay the size and shape of their breasts. You don't have to look hard at all to see the various ways that men have attempted to mask their cones, but one gimmick, for whatever asinine reason, has stood the test of time: the open access shirt.

Most often worn over a t-shirt, an open access shirt is simply defined as a button down shirt worn with none of the buttons fastened, or as many fashionistas amicably refer to it, the cape with armholes. Simply put, there are few abominations that have had a further reaching recourse in the world of Fatshion. Not only does it produce an incredibly unkept appearance, but the loose, bedspread-like flow can make overweight people look five to ten percent heavier than they really are. Couple this with the fact that the open access look is incredibly dated, and you have a recipe for disaster.

For a cleaner, more modern look, purchase button downs that actually fit when buttoned, and wear them untucked with only the top button undone. If the drapery effect is a potential problem, don't forget to purchase tall sizes. When put with a securely fitting undershirt and a pair of loose boot cut jeans, the effect can be awe inspiring. To make this look more casual, pair it with a pair of fashion forward tennis shoes, or for a slightly more polished look, wear this with dress shoes and a blazer.

Tell your arm-holed cape to pull a Superman and go flying off a tall building, and take comfort in the fact that you'll never be flying with it again.

Vintage, Emo, Euro: The Problem With Cliff

I have a friend named Cliff who gets clinically depressed when he peruses his favorite magazines and sees all of the casual looks he wishes he could emulate. Until now, he had no where to turn. Until now, he had no where to learn.

Dressing for incredibly casual evenings, like concerts, can be one of the most intimidating fashion challenges a moderately overweight person can face. In light of popular form-fitting vintage trends, fat people can easily be marginalized when it comes to cutting edge casual looks. However, rid yourselves of unrest, hope springs eternal.

Vintage jeans used to be impossible to find in anything over a size 38 waist, but as the vintage trend has come full force, anything is possible. Remember that popular clothers like Gap and Banana Republic as well as many clothing brands like Diesel and Ben Sherman offer extended sizes online that you simply won't find in any stores. Ebay is also an easy (and inexpensive) way to find jeans quickly by searching only for your specific size (i.e. 42x34 or 42L).

Shirts are the most difficult things to find, and are far more difficult to find online because of the variations between brand sizes. Just as important as the circumference of the chest and stomach of a t-shirt is the length of the shirt. The best way to shop for t-shirts is to find brands you like rather than stores. In other words, shopping at an online store like threadless.com (who manufactures their own shirts) will give you much more uniform sizing than shopping at an online store that sells shirts from multiple manufacturers.

Now, the crux of Fatshion for dressing vintage/emo/euro lies in wearing another article that many thin people forego--a jacket. Jackets such as modified track jackets are a wonderful solution to unflatteringly tight t-shirts. Many of the appropriate looking jackets are incredibly lightweight, and they can serve to cover more than just tight shirts. As almost any larger person can attest, tight shirts evoke unsightly sweat stains--especially during concerts. Thin, lightweight jackets cover areas where sweat commonly seeps through, and the good news is that most jackets are made of materials that don't show wetness, so there is little or no risk that you will sweat through your jacket.

Next time you see that look in a magazine, don't get down on yourself like you have in the past. Realize that there is hope for overweight people, and you can achieve any look you want--even if that look is traditionally considered antithetical to your body type. Remember, Fatshion is not a list of rules, it's a lifestyle.