An Old Friend Revisited

Well Fatshion world, I am back, if not for a little while. Before my hiatus, I said something concerning the appropriate position for pants that I need to amend. I recommended that pants be worn as high as possible while under the gut. Let me start from scratch.

Everything you do in the name of Fatshion can be for not if your pants aren't worn at the proper height. While truly pear shaped people will find a natural place for their pants to rest above their supple rumps and hips, the majority of us find ourselves in a gray area. With large guts and deflated man-asses, many large men find themselves going "the way of the plumber." I can not say this any more clearly: sagging is kryptonite. Ten times out of ten, you should prefer that your pants be too high than too low. Without much of an ass, this task can be menial, but there are a few guides to helping.

First, ensure that your pants have a proper but clean look. Make sure they are long rise if they need to be, and make sure the thigh area is large enough around without appearing baggy. Second, as a matter of physiology, determine which style of gut you have. If your gut is such that it laps over your waistline when you don't wear a shirt, you absolutely must wear your pants above your gut line. You don't have to go all the way to your belly button, but can not leave your pant line below your gut. If you are pot-bellied, you don't have much of a decision but to wear your pants below your gut. The exception to this is if you constantly look like you're sagging. Put pants on, and don't evaluate the way you look right away. Go to work or go out on the town, and evaluate what your pants look like at the end of the day. Take pictures from different angles, and actually see how you look from the different views. If you look like you're sagging, or if your shirt is puffing out too much because your pants are too low, you need to raise your pants--perhaps all the way to your hips.

I can not emphasize how foundational this is. In my previous post, I neglected to mention the exceptions for different types of guts, and since having posted it, I've been confronted with situations that presented quite a few exceptions. The bottom line is that if you look like you're sagging, or if you're constantly having to readjust your pant line, your pants are entirely too low on your waist.

New House

I closed on my new house on Thursday, and I'll be working over there almost 'round the clock. I probably won't post on here for at least 3 weeks, and it'll probably be the end of the blog, but tomato tomato.


3 more weeks

Summertime Fatshion: Hats

I’ve written briefly in the past about fat people wearing obscure hats. We can all think of at least a few fat guys who wear some ridiculous forms of fedoras, derby hats, berets or any other equally goofy hats. While some of these hats make brief, fashionable resurgences, the look they have on someone like Brad Pitt is far different than the look they have on larger people, but I digress. I want to talk exclusively about baseball caps. I know what you might be thinking. How on earth could Fatshion extend to baseball caps?

First, as a universal rule of hatshion (get it?), simpler is better. Hats with lightning bolts and colors split down the middle are just childish looking. Only buy solid color hats that have a logo on the front with a smaller logo on the back.

As far as Fatshion is concerned, always make sure that the hats you buy are fitted. The best fitted hats for larger-headed people are FlexFit hats. FlexFit hats are fitted, but the lining is made out of a very comfortable, very expandable elastic. This gives you a comfortable feel without sacrificing any style. The problem with non-fitted hats is that larger people often have to wear the buckle on one of the pegs closest to the end. This ends up giving most hats a funny shape all over because the cut of the hat is made for all pegs to be incorporated. The end result can be a hat that looks entirely too small for someone’s head, which brings us to our second point.

Always purchase hats that are deep. In other words, make sure your hats are deep enough to actually go around your head rather than sitting on top. When a fat man’s hat is really shallow, it gives the appearance that his fat head is so huge that his hat is forced to sit atop his head like a meatball ready to topple over. Again, FlexFit hats are cut really well in larger sizes so that the hats are incredibly deep and fit like they should.

Lastly, under most circumstances, you’ll want to purchase hats that have little backing in the actual lining of the hat. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, compare an Abercrombie style hate to an MLB style hat. MLB styles, and other styles that incorporate stiff backing, are designed to sit up and away from the head. Soft backed or no-backed caps are preferred.

So go out and buy yourself a new hat. Many retailers offer a variety of FlexFit caps, and many embroidery shops offer completely plain FlexFit hats for around twelve bucks.

Exciting News for Fatshion

After submitting a few pieces to various companies, I have been contacted by two small publishers regarding the potential for Fatshion to appear as a syndicated column in various style magazines. The articles may appear under the title "Fatshion and Fatceptance." Not to get ahead of myself, but one publishing company purchases columns for FHM, Maxim and a variety of other man-magazines. The other company produces direct-to-consumer catalogues for various clothing manufacturers. I think the first company understands the intentionality of Fatshion a little better, but I think I have the best shot with the second company.

"Hooray Fatshion," says the beautiful man.

Summer Fatshion Series: Shirts

Keeping cool without exposing too much of yourself is an incredibly delicate balance during the summer months. Fat people love the cold. Most fat men in heat just look confused or frustrated, and rightfully so. No need to fret as we continue with our summer Fatshion series. The three main concerns with warm weather shirts are color, fabric and style of shirt.

Near the top of the list for warm weather Fatshion is sweat control and concealing. For starters, no matter how hot it gets, always wear an undershirt. Your undershirt will act as a barrier of protection in heavy sweating areas. There are other things that can help, and one of the main things is color selection. Whether it's a simple t-shirt, golf shirt or even dress shirt, the color of shirt you choose to wear can make a huge difference. Colors like light gray, light blue and a variety of other colors drastically change colors when they become wet. If you have problems sweating through shirts, think about the colors of shirts you're purchasing--especially with t-shirts. Black, brown, cream, some darker grays and quite a few others change very little when wet. The best way to determine is to test shirts before buying them. When you're in a store, just put a small dab of saliva on your finger and rub it on one of the t-shirts. Look to see how much the color the shirt changes, and make your color decisions based upon which colors change the least. I know this suggestion may sound gross, but it could save you a lot of embarrassment down the line.

Fabric selection is really only important with golf shirts, button downs and dress shirts. Golf shirts essentially can be knit (pique or micro-pique), or they can be made of a smooth jersey-knit fabric. Knit shirts are preferred because they are slightly thicker, so they show less definition across the chest, and they are also quite a bit more absorbent than their jersey-knit counterparts. Button downs and other dress shirts should always be made of natural fibers like cotton. Polyester, Nylon and other synthetic fabrics don't breathe as well and can cause more sweating. One thing to consider with button downs is that many of the wrinkle free styles now offered at stores like Eddie Bauer, are also stain-free so they are quick drying and show considerably less moisture.

Short sleeve button downs should be worn only with utmost discretion. Most of them tread awfully close to having the look of a Hawaiian shirt, and this is antithetical to our cause. A much better option for a warm weather button down is to wear a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up two rolls. This creates a much more sleek, slimming look because of the added vertical interest. Also, this type of shirt can go with shorts and pants, and it can be either casual or dress-casual.

You don't have to be trapped in a world of confusion or frustration this summer. Just remember to pick out colors that don't draw attention to moisture, fabrics that are breathable and light, and try to stay away from short sleeve button downs. Before too long, we may all move out to the desert.

Go(atee) to Hell

When I think of the antithesis of Fatshion, I think of a large man wearing faux zebra fur Doc Martins, a pair of JNCOs, a rockabilly style button down with guitars printed all over it, long side sideburns and a bushy goatee. We've started to cover many Fatshion basics, but we've said very little about personal grooming. Before too long, many people start asking, "What about those sideburns and that goatee?" Willis is talkin' 'bout facial hair.

Here's the bomb. Facial hair should be avoided at almost all costs. That's right. I said it. Even with thin guys, facial hair only looks good about ten percent of the time. This is reduced to about one percent of the time that facial hair actually looks good on overweight men. There are a few reasons why. First, facial hair intended to mask double chins, fat cheeks, or recessed chins rarely performs as the wearer thinks, and often actually draws attention to the troubled area. When facial hair is allowed to grow long and ratty, it looks disgustingly unkept, and when it is kept short and groomed, it doesn't provide the masking effect that it was grown for in the first place. Second, facial hair is simply not fashionable. Sideburns, goatees, soul patches, mustaches, chin straps, full beards: you name it, it's just not in style. Third, with a lack of a jaw line, fat people are forced to end full beards at an arbitrary point along their double chins. When thin people have chiseled jaw and neck lines, there are natural places for facial hair to stop. With fat people, these lines are considerably blurred, and choosing a place to end your facial hair can be disastrous. Lastly, a stubbly day after look works for models and good looking people, but the same look makes overweight people look sloth-like.

The biggest key to facial hair is to look around yourself. Look at the facial hair of the people you run into. All those people who have hideous facial hair think that their facial hair looks great, just like you think yours does.

This post brings up one of the fundamental dilemmas of Fatshion: in the midst of trying to look your best and trying to maximize perceptions, where do personal taste and personal style enter the picture? The ultimate answer is that many issues of personal taste ( i.e. I love the feel of silk shirts or I love these sideburns) are in diametric opposition to the principles of Fatshion. This doesn't mean that you must give up all personal style choices; rather, it means that your personal style, over time, should become far more congruent with the principles of Fatshion.

Your facial hair isn't fooling anyone about your chin(s), it's not fashionable, it ends awkwardly, and women don't like it. Don't consider yourself the one exception who actually does look better with facial hair. Don't wait until tomorrow... Shave today.

Waistline Blues

A reader recently asked a very pertinent question about how high overweight people should wear their pants around their waistlines. This is a great question because guts force overweight people to an often difficult decision regarding their waistlines.

I need to start by saying that this issue really splits the world of Fatshion into two categories depending on body type. We'll start with the least typical type--pear shaped. Pear shaped people are those who carry their weight more like women than men--in their hips, thighs and ass. For these people, it's easier to wear pants higher because the hips provide a natural curve upon which pants can rest. The problem is, most moderately overweight people do not have this body type.

Typical overweight males are more often apple shaped than pear shaped. Apple shaped body types are categorized by a larger gut with a tapering deflated-man-ass. Essentially, apple shaped people are largest around the midsection and have an ass that is disproportionately small for their body size. Ten times out of ten, this causes problems with the issue of where someone's waistline falls. For moderately overweight people, pants should be worn below the gut but as high as possible other than that. There isn't any difference for the types of pants or the look you're trying to achieve, but keeping the pants as high as possible while resting below the gut is crucial.

The problems with the decision to go above the gut are that your waist size can instantly go from 42 to 52, and your style goes from fashion forward to nursing-home-esque in under four seconds.

Things that can help include purchasing slacks and jeans with "long rise" options. Eddie Bauer is a great place to purchase dress slacks because they offer long rise for a nominal charge. The long rise simply adds length between the crotch and waistline and is very important when trying to keep your pants as high as possible while maintaining a comfortable feel. Another viable option is purchasing suit separates as slacks. This allows you to have the pants tailored to your specifications for around $130.00.

The thing that we want to avoid at all costs is an intentionally sagging look. Don't be afraid to buy pants in a larger size so they will actually fit you where you need to wear them. Nothing looks worse than when a fat man is forced to sag because the waistline of his pants is too small, and remember to always wear a belt.